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Bandages for Your Heart - Grief Changes You: And It's Okay

Thu, 30 Oct 2025 12:36:21 GMT

Bandages for Your Heart - Grief Changes You: And It's Okay

When someone you love dies, the version of you that existed before their loss fades away. You don’t come out of grief the same person who went into it. Friends and family might say, “I just want the old you back,” not realizing that version of you no longer exists. That “you” changed the moment your loved one took their last breath.

Grief reshapes us—and while it's deeply painful, it can also bring about unexpected growth. Through conversations with many who’ve walked this path, I’ve heard time and again how loss changes them. Some changes are hard. Others, surprisingly, are for the better. Here are just a few ways grief can transform us:

It’s like living in a fog: In the early days of grief, it often feels like you’re walking through a dense fog. Everything is muted. The world continues to spin, but you feel frozen in time. The void left behind is immense, and the ache of missing your loved one is constant. While this fog eventually lifts, it never fully disappears. Certain moments, dates, or memories can bring it rushing back without warning.
A Different Kind of Joy: At first, it may feel like happiness is gone forever. But eventually, joy does return—it just looks and feels different. It’s quieter, deeper, and often tinged with a bittersweet edge. You learn to carry joy and sorrow side by side.
Relearning Self-Care: If you were a caregiver, your own needs likely took a back seat. Now, with your loved one gone, you may finally have space to care for yourself. For others, the pain can be so heavy that self-care feels pointless. But grief demands energy—physical, emotional, spiritual—and meeting your needs is not selfish. It’s survival. Now is the time for radical, unapologetic self-care.
Friendships Change: Grief has a way of revealing who’s truly there for you. Some people you expected to lean on may drift away—they might not know how to handle your pain or feel uncomfortable with your sorrow. Others, sometimes unexpectedly, show up in meaningful ways. Try not to hold resentment for those who can’t meet you in your grief. Instead, cherish those who do. Let them walk with you.
Letting Go of Little Things: After experiencing such a profound loss, the small irritations that used to bother you just... don’t. Traffic jams, long lines, petty drama—they pale in comparison to what you’ve endured. You see life differently now, and you begin to focus only on what truly matters.
Savoring the Moment: You understand, in a way others might not, that life can change in an instant. This realization pushes you to appreciate small, quiet moments—morning coffee, a sunset, a hug. You don’t take those things for granted anymore.
Shifting Priorities: Grief often reshuffles your to-do list. The dishes can wait. What matters more now is time spent with people you love, or moments of peace and reflection. You begin choosing what nurtures your heart, not just what fills your calendar.
Rediscovering or Exploring Hobbies: Many people find themselves drawn to new interests or returning to long-forgotten passions. Whether it’s painting, hiking, gardening, or dancing—it doesn’t matter what it is, as long as it brings a sense of purpose or joy. These activities don’t erase grief, but they can offer comfort, distraction, or even healing.
Asking for Help – If your partner or loved one handled certain things, their absence might leave you feeling unsure or overwhelmed. You might hesitate to ask for help, worried about being a burden. But now is the time to let others in. Accepting help isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s an act of courage and connection. Let people love you in this way.
Inner Strength: Perhaps the most profound change people report is realizing how strong they truly are. You didn’t ask for this, and yet here you are—showing up, getting through each day, learning how to carry your loss. That strength was always within you. Now, it’s rising to the surface. It is one of grief’s quiet gifts.

Grief will change you. That’s not a failure—it’s a testament to your love. You’re not meant to “go back to normal.” You're meant to find your way forward, carrying the memory of your loved one with you as you grow, heal, and live again.

And it’s okay—more than okay—that you’re not the same.

Bandages for Your Heart - Your Spiritual Toolbox: Everyday Activities for Grief Recovery

Mon, 25 Aug 2025 14:32:30 GMT

Bandages for Your Heart

Your Spiritual Toolbox: Everyday Activities for Grief Recovery

A Riddle: Everyone has one. It has taken your entire life to create. Yet, you don’t always use it when you most need it. What is it? Your spiritual toolbox.

What is a spiritual toolbox? It is a collection of activities that bring you comfort and motivation. For some, reading a spiritual book or exercising always lifts their spirits. For others, shopping or chopping wood provides the boost they need to overcome a tough moment. Creating your own personal list of ways to feel better is a great step toward emotional well-being. Notice that it’s not about waiting until you feel better to take action but rather taking action in order to feel better. Grief can paralyze you, creating inertia that makes even small steps feel overwhelming. However, when the action required is something you already enjoy, it becomes easier to begin.

In my programs, we brainstorm lists of activities that people want to include in their spiritual toolbox. Here are ten of the most popular (not in any particular order):

Exercise
Reading uplifting books
Listening to music
Prayer
Spending time with friends and family
Journaling
Shopping
Watching a funny movie or television show
Knitting or other crafts
Playing with a pet

Each of these activities helps shift your focus from the pain of grief, redirecting your energy toward comfort and even joy. Some of these ideas may appeal to you, while others might not. That’s okay. Take a moment to write down your personal list of activities that help you feel better.

Once your list is complete, take a moment to set it in your mind. Close your eyes and take three deep breaths. Begin to visualize what your toolbox looks like. There are no rules—people have envisioned everything from a Craftsman toolbox to a wicker basket, a shopping bag, or even an upside-down hat! Let your toolbox appear in your mind naturally. Once you see it, mentally place each of the items from your list inside. If needed, have someone read your list to you, record it and play it back, or simply peek at your list before continuing the visualization. Once everything is in the toolbox, impress upon your heart that these resources are always available to you whenever you need them.

The final step involves preparation and action. Download, purchase, or subscribe to a streaming music service so your favorite songs are readily available. Visit the library or bookstore or download an app to have books at your fingertips. Make plans to go out with friends. Add funny television shows or movies to your watchlist so they are easy to access when you need a good laugh.

Every day, choose something from your list and make time to do it. There may be moments when tears flow as you read a meaningful passage or watch a movie you once enjoyed with a loved one. Honor these tears, they help you cherish the good times. Your spiritual toolbox is a tool for healing, not forgetting. It allows you to connect with your loved one, your Higher Power, and most importantly, with yourself.

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This article is offered as part of our funeral home’s grief support program. The author, Nancy Weil, is a Certified Grief Management Specialist. You are invited to join our virtual Healing Hearts grief support group, facilitated by Nancy twice a month on Zoom. Please contact our funeral home for more information.

Bandages for Your Heart - Misery Loves Company: How Grief Support Groups Help

Mon, 25 Aug 2025 14:25:58 GMT

Bandages for Your Heart

Misery Loves Company: How Grief Support Groups Help

These three words not only define why a grief support group is important, but they also explain why some people avoid attending one.

While being with others who share a similar experience can be incredibly helpful, what actually happens during a meeting is often not what people expect. Most support groups are not just places where people “sit around and tell sad stories.” Instead, each session provides an opportunity for participants to share how they are navigating their grief, discuss challenges they are facing, and celebrate small victories along the way. The facilitator weaves these stories together, helping attendees gain wisdom and perspective from one another. Laughter and tears are both welcome, as each plays a role in the healing process.

Support can be offered in person, over the phone, or virtually through platforms like Zoom. The method of connection is less important than the shared experience itself. Healing occurs as attendees learn practical tools to navigate their grief—whether through breathing techniques, strategies for coping with loneliness, or insights from others who truly understand their pain. Facilitators and group members alike provide guidance, ensuring that no one feels lost or alone in their journey.

Many grieving individuals struggle to find understanding from friends and family who simply cannot relate to their loss. A support group, however, offers a sanctuary where emotions and thoughts can be freely expressed, without judgment. Here, everyone is heard, valued, and supported by those who truly understand the depth of their sorrow.

Grief can be an isolating experience, but coming together with others helps ease that burden. Within a grief support group, something special happens—a quiet kind of magic. When the session ends, each person leaves knowing they are not alone. They carry the love, support, and prayers of the group with them. No one should have to grieve alone, and in a grief support group, both mourning and healing find their rightful place.

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Bandages for Your Heart - Living Your Legacy: Honoring Memories and Finding Purpose

Mon, 25 Aug 2025 14:17:27 GMT

Bandages for Your Heart

Living Your Legacy: Honoring Memories and Finding Purpose

When we hear the word “legacy,” we often think of something grand or powerful. Rarely do we consider it to be the small, everyday actions—the way we treat others and the values we uphold. Yet, when we remember those we have loved and lost, these are exactly the things that stand out. It is the ordinary moments that become cherished memories. The stories of their lives form a lasting legacy, passed down through generations.

We recall their journeys—perhaps immigrating through Ellis Island to build a new life in America. We think of how they earned a living, the hobbies they enjoyed, their sense of humor, their cooking, their love for golf or bowling, and the countless little things that made them who they were. Their essence remains, inspiring us with how they faced adversity, treated others, and embraced life.

As Robert Frost said, “I can sum up everything I know about life in three words… it goes on.” And it does. In times of grief or overwhelm, it may seem impossible to regain the energy to move forward—but we must. Each day is an opportunity to shape our own legacy. We can live in a way that inspires those around us. We can learn new things and take up new activities. We can love our family and friends and conduct ourselves in a compassionate manner towards all who come our way.

Mother Teresa once said, “Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier.” There is no greater legacy than that.

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Bandages for Your Heart - Laughter in the Face of Tears: How Humor Helps in Grief Recovery

Mon, 25 Aug 2025 14:00:08 GMT

Bandages for Your Heart

Laughter in the Face of Tears: How Humor Helps in Grief Recovery

Many people believe that grief and laughter don’t belong together. After all, when you’re coping with the loss of a loved one, the idea of finding humor during such deep sorrow can feel impossible—or even inappropriate. Yet, research on the relationship between laughter and grief shows that laughter is a natural and beneficial response, even amid sorrow. The healing benefits extend to the body, mind, and spirit, helping to ease the pain.

Why laughter? If laughter is the best medicine, is there anything that cannot be eased by using it? When grieving, several common symptoms arise. The immune system is often suppressed, yet research suggests that laughter can boost immune function. Many individuals also experience difficulty concentrating after the death of a loved one. This temporary lack of focus can actually serve as a protective mechanism, allowing the enormity of the loss to sink in gradually. This process may take weeks, months, or even years, but it is a natural part of grieving. In the meantime, many find themselves relying on Post-it notes or lists to complete simple tasks. Laughter can aid brain function and memory retention, reducing stress and providing momentary relief from sadness. As humorist Erma Bombeck once said, "If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it."

Many people find that laughter brings comfort after losing a loved one. In a recent study, our team explored the relationship between laughter and grief through a survey of over 400 individuals. One participant shared, "Laughter lifts the heavy burden of loss, even if only for a few minutes. It is a wonderful respite." Telling stories about a loved one helps many cope with their absence. Others have developed a personal Humor Plan of Action (HPOA), intentionally incorporating laughter into their daily routine. This could involve reading comics, watching a favorite sitcom or movie, or searching for their favorite comedian on YouTube. Some respondents used gallows humor to lighten difficult moments. One woman, upon visiting her mother’s grave and noticing cracked and parched soil, turned to her brother and quipped, "It looks like Mom is trying to get out to get her cigarettes."

Of course, not everyone finds laughter easy after a loss. Some may want to laugh but struggle to find anything funny. Others may feel guilty for experiencing happiness again. One woman found that those around her stopped offering comfort because they misinterpreted her laughter as a sign that she was fine. Grieving is often filled with contradictions.

Fortunately, the benefits of laughter can still be accessed through therapeutic laughter—laughing for no reason. The brain does not require an external stimulus to produce the sound of laughter. Try laughing for thirty seconds or a minute right now. Close your eyes and experiment with different sounds—chuckle, giggle, or tee-hee. Do you feel better? If a doctor offered a prescription that lifted moods, boosted the immune system, enhanced concentration, and reduced stress—all at no cost—wouldn’t you take it? That is the gift of laughter.

There is no one who would want their loved ones to remain miserable forever. If you are seeking permission to smile and laugh again, think of it as a path to healing. Perhaps you can start by recalling funny stories about your loved one, looking at old photos, or watching home videos. It may involve spending time with friends and family, reconnecting with joy, even if only temporarily. Grief encompasses a wide range of emotions—laughter, anger, guilt, joy, tears, and bitterness. Each has its place, but it is important not to dwell too long in any one emotion. Identify what you are feeling and visit that neighborhood, but don’t build your house on Anger Alley or Offended Lane. Also, recognize that guilt often accompanies joy in the grieving process.

Just as grief is experienced differently by each person, so too is humor and laughter. The role they play in your healing journey is a personal choice. By understanding the restorative power of laughter, you can begin to appreciate its value as a coping tool. Whether you engage in spontaneous laughter or develop a full Humor Plan of Action, I encourage you to smile, chuckle, and laugh. You may find that laughter and tears can coexist, each playing a part in your path to healing.

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Bandages for Your Heart - Feel Better Now: A Simple 6-Step Guide to Healing After a Loss

Mon, 25 Aug 2025 13:55:31 GMT

Bandages for Your Heart
Feel Better Now: A Simple 6-Step Guide to Healing After a Loss

I have spent years studying and sharing healing techniques to help ease the daily pain that accompanies loss. Although coping with grief may feel overwhelming, these 6 tools can offer emotional support, provide comfort, and help you rebuild hope after heartache.

Here are six steps to help you navigate grief and make it through each day:

Rally the Troops
Reach out to family and friends—let them know what has happened. Their love and support will sustain you. Their calls, messages, and presence can help you get through not just the day, but even the next few minutes. Tell them what you need, and be willing to forgive any well-meaning but unhelpful advice. Accept their words as coming from a place of love, then let them go.
Check In with Yourself
Ask yourself throughout the day, “How am I feeling at this moment?” Tune in to your emotions—not what you think you should feel, but what you truly feel. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and listen to your heart. You may be surprised to find moments of peace or even joy amid the sorrow. Grief isn’t constant heaviness; allowing yourself to acknowledge lighter moments can be healing. When people grieve, they tend to shut down. They stuff their feelings and wear a mask. There is a perception that others don’t want to witness our pain, so it is simpler to just act as if we are okay. This can be exhausting both physically and mentally. By getting back in touch with your feelings, it allows you to “check in” and understand where you are at.
Breathe
The simplest way to center yourself and reduce anxiety is through deep breathing. Shallow “stress breathing” moves only the upper chest, while deep belly breathing engages the diaphragm, calming the nervous system. Take slow, full breaths, focusing on the inhale and exhale. Let each breath bring you into the present moment, free from past regrets or future worries.
Write it Out
Journaling allows you to release emotions and process thoughts. Write freely—no need to edit or censor yourself. Document your memories, pain, and daily experiences. Write down your thoughts about the future. As time passes, looking back on older entries can reveal the progress you’ve made. Words are powerful tools for healing, and putting your feelings on paper can lighten your emotional load.
Laugh Daily
Laughter reduces stress, boosts your immune system, gets your brain working, and lifts your mood. Watch a funny show, listen to a comedian, or spend time with lighthearted friends. Even if you don’t feel like laughing, do it anyway, fake laughter can still trigger real benefits. It’s impossible to be both anxious and laughing at the same time, so embrace joy, even in small moments.
Engage in Your Passions
Doing something you love helps diminish pain. While some activities may carry bittersweet memories, engaging in them can still bring comfort. When you are “in the zone” time stops and things flow. If you’re unsure what sparks joy for you, explore new interests. Make a list of things that uplift you—reading, nature walks, gardening, time with pets or grandchildren. These passions form your personal “spiritual toolbox” to draw from in difficult moments.

Believe it or not, joy is still within reach. These six simple practices can help reconnect you with inner happiness. No matter where you are on your grief journey, you can take small steps toward healing. Connect with others, embrace your emotions, breathe deeply, write, laugh, and live. As James Russell Lowell said, “Joy comes, grief goes, we know not how.”

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Bandages for Your Heart - Making Cents of it All: Using Small Acts of Kindness to Find Healing After Loss

Wed, 06 Aug 2025 20:21:04 GMT

Bandages for Your Heart

Making Cents of it All: Using Small Acts of Kindness to Find Healing After Loss

I read an article about a grief support group being held in an all-boys high school. At a time of life when their greatest worry should be acne, girlfriends and homework, these boys all were struggling with the death of a parent. The very people we take for granted will be there for us when we get home from school or across the dinner table at night, had tragically left this world too soon. These young men who had to hold it together all day, were able to be vulnerable and show their sorrow, their fears and their anger at what had happened to them in their life. Instead of turning to alcohol, drugs or other unhealthy crutches to handle the pain, they turned to one another. Teachers would come each month to the group and share their own stories of loss, many of their stories mirrored what their students were dealing with. They saw their teachers as vulnerable, as parentless children now grown up; they saw them as human beings with a wounded heart like their own. Over pizza and chocolate chip cookies, these young men journeyed together through their grief. Over shared words and understood pain, they healed. They also were challenged to do one thing every day… use three cents.

Three pennies was the cost of this valuable lesson and it is one we can all put into our own lives. They were instructed to take three pennies and put them in their pocket. Throughout the day they were challenged to make a difference to someone, to offer a kindness or help them in some way. Each time they completed this task, they were to take one penny and put it in their other pocket. By the end of the day the goal was to have all three cents safely harbored in the opposite pocket from which it began. The challenge began all over again the next morning.

Transforming pain into purpose. For these young men it came from reaching out to others. Grief can be isolating. How we are feeling is not easily understood by others. By reaching out of our own pain, we connect with other people and begin to heal. The loss becomes a little more bearable when the experience turns into a way to reach out to others with a new understanding, a more compassionate outlook and a desire to help another person in some small way.

But what about the other side of this equation…how good are you at receiving? Life is about balance and it is just as important that you are a good “receiver” and not just a good “giver.” Throw out the old adage: ‘tis better to give than to receive . You must do both. Can you ask for help when you need it? Many people struggle with this and do not like to ask for help. They are like the two-year old in the “me do” stage. They can do it all themselves, even if it is a bit of a struggle. If this sounds like you, read on for a reason to stop the old habit of “me do” and begin to allow the “yes, thank you” into your life.

Research has shown that when a person receives a kindness, their serotonin levels rise, making them feel good. The person who offers the kindness, their levels rise as well. Remarkably anyone who witnesses that kindness also has an upswing in their serotonin levels. The ripple effect of a kindness offered and received continues on. In fact, those people who received or witnessed a kindness were more likely to offer one to someone else that day. “Pay it forward” in action. Yet if you don’t allow someone to help you, you are depriving so many from the benefit of the kind action. “Me do” must make way for “you do for me” in order for this chain reaction to begin. Give and take, offer and receive, from one kindness to another. Take another three pennies and use them to mark each time you allow someone to help you. From pocket to pocket, person to person, the pennies are merely touchstones to remind us that our lives are enriched when we make “cents” out of our day.

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Bandages for Your Heart - Grief is Like a Marathon: Understanding the Journey of Loss

Wed, 06 Aug 2025 20:21:03 GMT

Bandages for Your Heart

Grief is Like a Marathon: Understanding the Journey of Loss

On mile 23 my legs were ready to admit defeat. Mentally I was still focused on crossing that finish line, but my body was weary in the heat of the day. Walking 26.2 miles is not an easy feat, especially when you are out of shape and overweight. While I trained for this day, nothing prepares you for the actual event. By mile 11 I had already learned that mental attitude was far more important than physical training. I witnessed people talk themselves out of the race. “I will just rest for a while and then continue,” they would say. They caught the next bus back to the finish line. My feet hurt and I have the wrong socks and it is hot and my leg is cramping…. excuse after excuse after excuse. Not one of them reached their goal and finished the race. I did…. twice. Once in Jamaica and once in Oregon. I am looking forward to training for one again. Walking those marathons changed my life.

I spoke about my experience to a grief support group recently. Grief can feel like walking that marathon. It is a long journey and one that you can never be totally prepared for. There are others on the path that support you and encourage you to just make it a bit further. They set the pace and keep you going. There are others who get stuck where they are and never seem to find their way. They continue to grieve deeply years later. Their life does not move forward. Time continues, but they hold on to the past.

Grief is not only a physical journey; it is an emotional and mental one as well. Thoughts repeat and send you a message that does not always make you feel better. Fear, sadness, regret, remorse, guilt, pain and anxiety may seem to be the theme of what occupies your thoughts each day. None of these eases your pain. By changing your thoughts, you can begin to make progress towards healing. Become a survivor by acknowledging those small steps you take. For one person that could be mowing the lawn for the first time. For another, it might be grocery shopping without tears when you pass by your loved one’s favorite food. Each small success is a moment to savor. It is an indicator that you will survive. That you can do more than you ever thought you could. That inside of you is a strength that you may have never called upon before, but now that you need it, it is there to carry you through.

There is one major difference between a marathon and the journey of grief. I could mark my progress by each mile marker. 26.2 miles and I was finished -medal around my neck and heading back to the hotel, proud of my accomplishment. There is not a finish line to cross for grief. There is no cheering crowd or end point to aim for. It may feel like you are wandering aimlessly, and this can lead to you giving up hope that life will ever be sweet again. We are a goal-oriented society and unprepared for a challenge that has no set steps or guideposts. How can we measure progress on a journey without an end? How do we avoid feeling hopeless and helpless? How might we harness inner strength when we have no energy to even make it through the day?

Three things to keep in mind:

There may be no finish line, but the journey is taking you somewhere. You have the choice to just drift or to guide your path. You can join a grief support group, read books on grieving, get involved in new activities, start to take care of yourselves (even to the point of a little bit of pampering) or even just breathe when you are feeling overwhelmed. Remember that, while you did not choose this to happen, you can choose how you handle it. Are you ready to take action or are you content to just wallow and give up?
Celebrate each step of forward progress. Recognize when you do something that was difficult to accomplish. If you learn how to pay the bills, change a light bulb or take a trip alone, acknowledge that this was a moment to savor. Mixed emotions may accompany these times, but you did it…or at least you tried. Success is not always measured in completing a task, but in getting started. Taking that first step is always the hardest one. Once you do that, the rest of the way will open to you.
There are no medals for surviving a loss but never doubt that you are a winner. Each time you reach out in understanding to someone else in pain, you win. Every laugh, smile and happy moment you share with others, you win. When you give back in your loved one’s honor, you win. When you share a memory of a time spent together or look at their photo and feel love, not pain, you win. When you start to accept your “new” life and begin to see all that is yet for you to do, you win.

Step by step, slowly and steadily you find yourself moving along. Life begins to find its rhythm and you start to dream of things yet to be, once again. The journey of grief has no time clock, no finish line to cross and no medals to display, but it does have one thing that a marathon does not...you are not walking alone. Your loved one accompanies you every step of the way.

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877951-stoudenmire-dowling-funeral-home-redesign

Bandages for Your Heart - Grief Changes You: And It's Okay

Bandages for Your Heart - Grief Changes You: And It's Okay

Bandages for Your Heart - Your Spiritual Toolbox: Everyday Activities for Grief Recovery

Bandages for Your Heart

Your Spiritual Toolbox: Everyday Activities for Grief Recovery

Bandages for Your Heart - Misery Loves Company: How Grief Support Groups Help

Bandages for Your Heart

Misery Loves Company: How Grief Support Groups Help

Bandages for Your Heart - Living Your Legacy: Honoring Memories and Finding Purpose

Bandages for Your Heart

Living Your Legacy: Honoring Memories and Finding Purpose

Bandages for Your Heart - Laughter in the Face of Tears: How Humor Helps in Grief Recovery

Bandages for Your Heart

Laughter in the Face of Tears: How Humor Helps in Grief Recovery

Bandages for Your Heart - Feel Better Now: A Simple 6-Step Guide to Healing After a Loss

Bandages for Your Heart Feel Better Now: A Simple 6-Step Guide to Healing After a Loss

Bandages for Your Heart - Making Cents of it All: Using Small Acts of Kindness to Find Healing After Loss

Bandages for Your Heart

Making Cents of it All: Using Small Acts of Kindness to Find Healing After Loss

Bandages for Your Heart - Grief is Like a Marathon: Understanding the Journey of Loss

Bandages for Your Heart

Grief is Like a Marathon: Understanding the Journey of Loss

Bandages for Your Heart
Feel Better Now: A Simple 6-Step Guide to Healing After a Loss